Have I “Moved on with life” from mother’s loss?

On mother’s day,I started to think about  a missing piece in my life. My mother died when I was 12. I lived with her between age of 8 to 12 and memories are fading with passage of 27 years. On her death, I did not realize what it means to be without her. I have heard that I did not cry on her death. Till I was in school. I used to talk of the neat green envrionment of burial ground.

The older I  grow, I remember and also realize the absence of my mother. May I have not bereaved for her death makes me less capable to handle emotions when I feel down.  I am still carrying the bereavement rooted in childhood, which has left emotional scars. I feel that my life would be “much better” if my mother was for more years.

When I look back, few people including educators can recognize signs of loneliness, isolation and depression in grieving children. Children fear that they would break from other loved ones too and want to experience that there is some continuity in their lives. and that they are cared about. They look at relationships in terms of what people do for and with them and whether they are made to feel safe in their world.

Support groups that help grieving adults are less effective in terms of children as children need attention and people who encourage them to talk about their feelings. When you are adult, you have the benefit of being with people who have been been through it. When my mother died, I didn’t know anyone who’d lost a parent and that made me feel alone. I could never relate with adult who shared losing his mother.

On becoming adults, their wife & children might underestimate phenomena of losing parent in childhood. Not easy to empathize when one did not experience the chronic pain. The person is better understood by persons who lost parent in childhood.

From 12 years, I started to fell that I was not a kid anymore and need to be more resilient, responsible and independent. This was result of work performed by me in my school years in diverse areas of banking, equity shares, finance portfolio and non-profit work. My wife reports a childish behavior at times and I am dependent and not responsible at home. Do I long that some one takes care of me like a kid? – a contradiction. Have I  “Moved on with life”?

During entepreneurship, a friend spend mostly for his family and did not spend on himself and  His mother purchased dress for him during festivals. When his mother know of his worried of failing to pay salary to employees, she offered to break her fixed deposit to see whether pain can be dissolved. This incident made me feel absence of mother who puts trust and faith, even when things go wrong for her child. Also unfair to expect unconditional motherly support from wife with children. Have I  “Moved on with life”?.

My mother’s sister got jobs and moved on with their life and I lived with my my father. My father worked hard and travelled. I came to empty home for a year with a limited support of few days visit by my grandpa. It was lonely and abandoned. Today I continue to come home late and sit in living hall eat alone my food and rarely realize that there is no family meal at home. a contradiction. Why continue to feel lonely and abandoned with wife and 2 children?. Have I  “Moved on with life”?

Experienced eating at uncle’ place, giving money. Quickly realized of being a burden to them. confirmed not getting quality food. This lead to me having food in hotels 3 times a day and mostly alone. Not sure of next meal, I ate more(like camel). Though life had changed. I visit hotel/restaurants with family, introducing them. Though I am fine to eat outside, I long to eat home food. a contradiction. Have I  “Moved on with life”?

At times, my father would cook and that means more work for me, perform cleaning utensils, cutting vegetables and so on. a contradiction. Today I keep myself away from kitchen and look for food to be served and do not offer suggestion of what to prepare or help in kitchen. Why I have become like this? Have I  “Moved on with life”?

My father believed that he can take care of the boy. He had dreamt of living a life similar to Rama(with one wife) and was more grieving his wife’s death. In school days, I experienced more a proffessional touch due to my father and there was no experience of personal touch.  I treat all people I know as friends and expect personal touch on default until I realize that it is wong place. I consider them still as friends and support them in their needs the best possible and invest time in building relationships. Not knowing how to separate my public, business and private life is a challenge for me.  Have I  “Moved on with life”?

Losing a parent at a young age make the child feel helpless and even ‘different’ from the others…there is a lot going on in the kids mind and these things have a major effect on them. They give raise to contradicting straits that makes them more emotional

  • Reallize of becoming more emotional undergoing major life transitions or witness a major life transitions on television. At the same time, you can relate more with other’s transition like getting married, having a baby, death and separation and offer help.
  • You want to get close to person and become close to person and then suddenly avoid being close to minimize being hurt again by another loss. You need space and time to become close and on being close, you do not disengage soon.
  • You fear loss and avoids everyday situations that trigger feelings of loss. Though you have ability to be more empathetic, your fear leads anger and emotions, with sense of loss in relationships. While you are more hesitant to form relationships, you handle relationships safe, aware that you actions can lead to losing relationships.

Having written this and being adult today, I wish that I can move on with life keeping aside my mother loss after grievance.